Portrait of a Cat as An Artist

Conversations with the Universe

I've never been filled with such self-loathing. Yet it was solely my fault to have reached out to you. It was my birthday and I needed somebody to think about but it got my head in a mess for a week. That was the longest love letter I've ever written to anyone. You probably don't know what it says. It says I wish you all the happiness in the world.

孙中山宋庆龄年龄相隔二十二岁！二十二岁！！！OMG!!

Dream Sequence

For the next BPO (Bolehland Philharmonic Orchestra) Forum piece, I'm working in collaboration with dancer Zubin. He asked if there's any narrative accompanying or serves as the inspiration of the music that I wrote. However, to me, it was purely abstract music so I sent him this description of a dream I had during the intense period of composition:  

Two days ago I had a dream. It is as strange as any dreams can be. It was sort of after a homework discussion with a few of my closest friends in high school and we decided to go to town for lunch. And so we walked across the road opposite our school to fetch our individual motorcycles. It's strange that I've never learned to ride a motorbike cos it was dangerous and was forbidden by my overly protective parents so i never get to hang out together with my friends outside of school as often as other kids. Anyway, we had to go through a dilapidated pre-war townhouse in the middle of a busy road. The building mostly has its walls torn down and only some walls in the skeletal structure were left and they were painted pale apple green and the paints were peeling off badly. Nevertheless thr roof was still intact and it provided a shelter from the mid day heat out on the busy road. I walked winding through the first layer of wall and came upon a stray dog. It
was coming my way. Stray dogs sometimes like to trail you for a few seconds to check you out if you happen to come close to them. I didn't like that cos you have to be wary they might just be provoked by no apparent reason and chase after you. To avoid the dog I headed back the other side of thr wall to find a gang of people mostly facing the traffic. The first thing i saw lying on the floor looks like a huge piece of raw liver in the shape of a fish. As I went closer it appears to be a fish, complete with beady eyes half closed and a faintly smiling face. And the humans all have thr same kind of complexion on their faces. They look like something raw. Like the flesh without the skin. Pink and rosy and patchy with throbbing veins. And it was then that I realized these people were some sort of albino and they were clothed in thick mole skin outfit with hoods like what the eskimos would wear all year round. These people were holding fishing rods with the
line stretched toward the traffic. I have no idea what they could be catching by casting their lines into a busy road abuzzed with heavy slow moving traffic. And I was careful not to step out to cross the road in case somebody is casting another line out as I could be hurt by a flying hook. There're hooks lying around the floor I was even more afraid of stepping on to them. I was also frightened by the stone cold expressionless look on these people's faces. I was trapped. No way out of thr building safely and reluctant to head to the other side where the stray dog still hangs around ...

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Complaints (Old Post: 13 Jul)

I was fined 200 bucks on top of my tuition fee for this semester in USM cos they changed the rules and deadlines for registration but sent us no notice. I wasn’t happy so I wrote a complaint letter but there was no response. I went to pay since this will be my last semester anyway. At the counter, I took a peep at a letter of an Arab lady. It was a complaint letter quite similar to mine except the content. It says: I was away, back in my hometown in Palestine. I was asked to pay for a late registration penalty by the bursary but I can not afford to. I wanted to come back early but I could not because of my father’s sudden death …     

Swiss chocolate German beer and Malaysian chicken wing bones … desperate desperate little composers …. (Old Post: 17 Jul)

Heard the trombone and piano duo Jurg Henneberger (piano, Switzerland) and Dirk Amrein (trombone, Germany) performed at USM’s balai persiban. It’s the most exciting concert I’ve ever heard at USM all these years. Perhaps because this was the only truly contemporary music concert and of a very high quality. I still couldn’t believe they played Wyttenbach:

 

Since Igor missed the concert I asked if he’d like to see them perform again at their hotel – hydro hotel – at miami beach, but this time they’re playing jazz. Clever Igor took his dinner first then fetched me to see the duo on Sat night. I had 20 bucks’ worth of 4 not-so-fresh fried chicken wings for dinner and another 20 for my drink. As a gentleman, I offered Igor some chicken wings. He says he doesn’t eat chicken but when there’s no fish he does. I presume he doesn’t eat humans either but if I’m the only living creature left on earth apart from him, he’d probably eat me too …

 

When Jurg and Dirk came on stage, we went over to introduce ourselves as kah hoe and kee yong’s friends …

 

I thought we’re gonna get some John Coltrane or something but they played Gershwin, Rachmaninov and Schubert.

 

Half way through, Jurg came round and sat with us, taking a break from the scorching heat emanating from the huge spotlights while Dirk plays solo. I suggested that perhaps they could replace the spotlights with the standing lamps around the lounge. He said maybe next time. I was half way working through my chicken wings. I wanted to show him some Malaysian hospitality by offering him part of my dinner but refrained from doing so when I realized the sight of chicken wing bone remnants on the plate may not be very appetizing to him.

 

The manager of the hotel is German and he came over to chitchat with us seeing, I supposed, that we’re two of the only few audiences in the lounge. He said he invited Jurg and Dirk to play at the lounge in exchange for a free stay. He even gave us his name cards hmm … I wonder what I can do with it ….

 

After the performance, Igor and I went up to have a few words with the duo again with Igor leading the way. Mainly with Dirk since we don’t know the trombone as well as the piano. He was very friendly and thinks Schubert’s lieder transcribed for the trombone retains almost all of the quality of the vocal music except the words but that ‘who listens to the words anyway?’ I couldn’t agree more since I grew up listening to western vocal music like lieder and operas without understanding a single word sung. Perhaps that kind of listening makes one pay more attention to the music rather than be distracted by words and their meanings.   

 

We hung around the lounge hoping to chat some more with the duo. We’re stuck with Jurg while the more talkative Dirk was chatting with some Siberian tourists at the next table. Jurg and I were more quiet, reserved people so much of the talking was left to Igor. Keeping the conversation alive was quite belaboring. Basically we tried to pull everything we know about Swiss and German culture out of our hat of tricks but eventually it went dry. Of course the main point that we’d like to get across is that we’re composers, young and aspiring ones. I mean, Jurg is the founder of an ensemble specializing in contemporary and avant garde music. We’d be committing a great sin against ourselves not to. I asked if his ensemble plays much of other composers or that they’re forced to play mostly Swiss composers. He says they play many composers including Stockhausen. I asked, they must have played lots of Stockhausen the year he died in 2007 then? He laughed and said, they do play Stockhausen. Later, Dirk came over and broke a little more ice but I was getting a bit sleepy plus I had to teach on Sunday so we said aufwiedersehen …

 

When we approached the counter to pay our bill, I showed the waitress the German manager’s name card and said, “we know the manager so we get the drinks for free?” She laughed and said no, no, you cannot do that ….

 

We got into the car and I said to Igor, “So, tomorrow we’ll come again and shove our scores at them??”  

Generation Gap (Old Post: 18 Jul)

My 9-year-old student wanted to chat with me online. He says he’s using Gmail and got the account set up to chat with his eldest sister who’s just moved out of state to attend university. I said I don’t usually chat online. He says that I could check if he’s been practicing the piano when we chat online …

 

I asked him how long it takes to travel from his tuition centre to piano class cos he’s late. He wasn’t sure what that place is but he’ll know if he has a map. We wasted 20 minutes searching for it on Google Maps and he still couldn’t find it ….   

Christian Name (Old Post: 18 Jul)

A student asked me if I’m Christian. Apparently it’s because my name has the character 恩 in it.

Super-Lu-Siao-ed (Old Post: 17 Jul)

Agreed to lunch, or so I thought, at Greenlane McD with SK and Al at 1.30pm today. Knew it would be jam cos it’s off school hour. Penangites, we like to spice up traffic congestion during peak hours with the addition of: a broken down car, a car bumped up against another one and an ambulance with the siren on desperate to pass, all within a 5km stretch of a very straight road. I’ve not been to the newly renovated McD. Thought it looks almost like an extension of Penang Free School. When SK and Al arrived not long after, they just walked to my car and demanded I drive to somewhere nearby, saying they’ve promised to meet up with some pretty girls, which I couldn’t care less. I was pissed with driving under the mid-afternoon sun and protested vocally that I ain’t eating with no air-conditioning but we’re on the move nevertheless cos I’m forever such a nice guy. Now they said SK’s gotta pick his car up from a workshop. Upon reaching I saw no car of his and was told to drive my car up to the porch of the workshop. We got down and they asked the mechanic to check why my headlights were so dim and what we could do about it. Only then that I realized all these are premeditated – it was about me and for me. Light-heartedly I protested that I ain’t gonna spend money on some dim headlights. SK and Al said they’ll be willing to pay for it cos they were thinking more about my safety, and sometimes … their safety too. I was slightly moved by the gesture but really, I said, my dad asked me to change all four suspensions for 400 bucks or more cos my car drives like a rickety rickshaw on Penang roads. SK said I can spend 300 bucks of my own money and they’d be willing to top it up to 400. I stayed under the shade and everyone else had a car talk. I’m not a car buff. But with engineer friends one can’t help having car buffs as friends. Everyone else is driving a Vios so out of curiosity SK asked the current value of my car … um … let’s just say  … a more pioneering generation of the Vios. After some calculation the mechanic says that my car can still fetch a price of 5-6k. So after 8 years my beloved car has lost half its value. Then the mechanic asked why we would want to sell off a reliable car like my “old Vios” …. ahh … even though you’ve given me lots of trouble and haven’t helped me in winning the heart of my imaginary lover … I still love you … my car … my first generation Vios …

 

** 3 weeks ago the three of us had seafood at 好友, my treat … despite my disappointment with the performance of my orchestral piece. On the way home it rained heavily. There was a little leak at the back screen in my car, the headlights were dim, and the wipers were crappy. I could hardly see the road but I got everyone home safely. **

 

After the surprise stint at the workshop, I bought a tote bag as a birthday present for my brother and drove him and Mon to the airport for a fun trip to KL. I’m bored of spending money on myself or my car. To spend money on your family and friends is ok. Sigh … come into my life my sweet imaginary lover. I’d like to spend money on you. I’ve always wanted to …  

I Cannot afford Sao Bei … (Old Post: 15 Jul)

The other half of my once short-lived 2-piece boyband came back from Singapore and called for lunch. In Sunshine market foodcourt, we had random chats about old times and new. Most of us are from the “lu siao” gang. The literal translation of “lu siao” in hokkien would be quite distasteful in writing here. Let’s just say the “lu siao” gang is a gang of mostly annoying, mischievous, crude-speaking, sometimes foul-mouth office brats or pranksters. A more accurate definition of “lu siao” in my context would be to try to push as many wrong buttons of your target as you possibly can, in a fun and humorous way, of course. No one should get upset and defensive. The only offensive move is to “lu siao” back. If one gets hostile or defensive, he/she is definitely not “lu siao” material. Most of the gang is married barring me, the eternally unlucky in love and the other one, the eternally searching for perfection one. At some point, I heard aLan bringing up lines like “you already can afford sao bei liao mar”, or “not going to buy sao bei ah?” I couldn’t figure out what the word meant at first. I thought “sao bei” is some kind of famous roast duck thigh or the like. I didn’t want to interrupt as I’ve been criticized by aLan before for barging in a conversation I didn’t understand so I kept listening intently. Not till the word “SP Setia” cropped up in the ensuing conversation did I realize “sao bei” refers to some landed properties called “South Bay” … well, I guess … pheww … luckily I’m still kinda smart! As usual, TCBoy did try to drive the conversation of a distant subject into enticing me to respond to and reveal some elements of my romantic interest. I tried not to react. It would be totally out of place and context. And aLan, again, mentioned a film that he probably didn’t watch. I’m beginning to think he must be one of those people who read more film reviews than he watched films. It’s been really nice to see everyone. I drove my former boyband mate home. We talked about the dilemmas and predicaments facing graduate research students. It was just like old times, as if the 4 years in between hadn’t quite happened. Maybe nothing much has changed since we left. Or it could be that many things have changed. One thing is for certain: everyone there can now afford a “sao bei”. I cannot afford “sao bei” … sigh … if only it is roast duck thigh …